how to get over limerence

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a desperate desire for a relationship. Every crush, distant attraction, talking stage, kept me bound to the idea of “the one”. Often times when talking to potential love interests I would develop severe anxiety and not even be able to eat. I couldn’t mess this up. Just be perfect, kind, the right amount of flirty, and obviously the number one thing, look gorgeous at all times in public (in case he’s somehow present).

I had an insatiable need to be someone’s special girl. I would begin to have delusions that he could somehow see me when I was alone, I would maladaptive daydream and rehearse possible interactions I would have with him, or around him, I’d reenact what I did when I was near him and fantasise about what he was thinking in that moment. My life was him. After all, he’s my happy ending, right? Growing up, women especially are fed the idea that the path to ultimate happiness ends with a man and babies, so why wouldn’t I be obsessed? He’s the key to my happiness, he’s my life purpose, my soulmate, the one. That pesky word.

After I experienced an NDE, and my life came crashing down in a few months, I was holding onto my the idea of my crush and I being together by with worn, tired hands. Aside from limerence, what had tethered me to this person was spiritual beliefs, that they were my soulmate and I could manifest them if I tried. The nail in the coffin of what I thought my life would be, was when my “soulmate” got with someone else, someone close to me. I had to reexamine all of my beliefs at that moment, and to start the belief that there is such thing as “the one”.

I’ve always had a deep fear of ending up with the wrong person. I’ve long held the belief that ending up with the wrong man can be one of the worst mistakes a woman can make. You’d think this thinking would’ve made me detached and tactical when falling in love, but unfortunately it did the opposite.

In my mind, because I am so picky, and because “the one” had to exist somewhere in my vicinity, anyone who I felt a deep attraction to, HAD to be the one. This belief is where my limerent thinking began, but it’s not how it grew. After my last limerence was forced to end, I became depressed. Through reading the r/limerence subreddit and Heidi Priebe on YouTube, I realised that the depression was there all along, and limerence was actually the coping mechanism, throw in the engrained patriarchal beliefs about a woman’s worth being tied to marriage, and spiritual beliefs about soulmates and “the one”, and I was the perfect victim for limerence to sink its claws into. I now no longer suffer from limerence (and hope I never do again), and will share ways of thinking that have helped me.

You can be attracted to someone without acting on it or becoming attached to them

Yes I am looking at you, who thinks every person that is their exact type has to be the love of their life! There’s nothing wrong with shooting your shot, but often times people with limerence wont confess their feelings, they have deep-seated fear of rejection and/or they have low self esteem and allow themselves to fall in love with people who are unclear on how they truly feel about them, and are wish-washy with their attention and actions. So yes, you are allowed to be attracted to people, to flirt, to even fantasise (to a degree) without becoming attached and believing they are the person to take away all your problems and complete your life.

Realise that “the one” is only created in hindsight, and amazing relationships take time and work

No one can truly know if someone they like is the person they will be with forever, only time can tell that. More times than not, relationships, talking stages, crushes don’t work out, and that’s okay! There are lessons to learnt, and happy relationships don’t just conjure into reality, both participants have to be willing to show each other love in whatever way that brings them BOTH joy. Naturally, two people (or more I don’t judge), come together and establish a relationship, ideally with no games, and navigate it with one another. Limerence robs one of the agency to realise that obsessing over someone isn’t love, and is actually just a worn cover-up of the real sadness, shame and unhealthy beliefs lying beneath the surface.

Understand that admitting to yourself that you are unhappy with your life/ yourself is the first step to being limerence-free

The truth is, that behind every limerent person is someone who is deeply unhappy and searching for someone or something that can grant them that happiness. Allow yourself to feel the “bad” feelings. Cry, be depressed, feel the shame, bed rot, do whatever you have to not let yourself keep attempting to escape whatever you’re feeling. The only way out is through. Limerence can feel euphoric at times, but like a drug, or any addiction for that matter, the temporary ecstasy it gives you can’t last forever. And it doesn’t. Meditation, calming the nervous system, doing inner child healing work, journalling and having a creative outlet are all things that helped me. The number thing that helped me though, was de-centring men and romance as a whole.

It’s okay to be lighthearted

In general, people with limerence tend to put much seriousness on love and relationships without remembering it’s supposed to be fun! It’s okay to be lighthearted about it. Not everything has to be the end all be all. Once it’s not fun anymore you CAN walk away. Limerence often takes something sweet like a crush, and twists it into an anxiety inducing obsession with extreme highs and lows. You are allowed to fancy people without consequences, and without punishing yourself by developing an unhealthy fixation on the person. My motto: if you are confused, they don’t like you enough. It’s no longer fun anymore when you have to constantly guess what someone is thinking and make them out to be better than they actually are. It’s time we have fun! I learnt a great tip from a tiktoker I find really helpful, (@observationwithmyeyes), that for people who are depressed, sometimes just thinking about what you want to do for the next three hours, instead of your whole week or life is useful to ground you and not overthink. It also takes pressure off of you and allows one to be more carefree to an extent.

No person is worth a wrecked nervous system

And I mean it. As I said, a lack of clarity is a breeding ground for limerence, as it keeps you in a constant state of conjecture, making it easier for you to fantasise about what the other person could be feeling. We often ignore our gut feelings and our bodies cues, and say “I just have anxious attachment” “I’m scared of opening up”, when in reality, our bodies are telling us we are not safe and that this is probably going nowhere good. We need to start trusting ourselves. We can be scared, nervous etc when dealing with someone new, but it shouldn’t be debilitating. So if it is, for you, then don’t feel bad about blocking, rejecting or distancing yourself to take some time for you.

You have value outside of being perceived by romantic interests'

You are so much more than “someone’s person”. You are worthy, you deserve to feel happy and calm and grounded and safe, whether you believe or not. Limerence can take us out of our bodies and give us catharsis when we need it the most, but it is not something that truly fulfils anyone. To anyone reading this going through limerence, I know you can get through this, I believe in you, because you deserve to realise your value outside of others perceptions. How you see yourself matters, and you have the power to give yourself a beautiful life.